Thursday, 26 April 2012
It May Be I Missed The Past Few Months
Sometimes I spend long periods not being ready to write. It is such a pathological state that years may pass without me realising that I have been holding my breath (metaphorically speaking) about writing. Then I open a long abandoned blog and the truth hits home. The accumulation of days when I avoided committing words to page have grown into something that scares me and sets me to wondering what on earth has been stopping me? Even writing badly is worth more than not writing at all for such a long spell. So tonight I am breaking the spell and what I write is not anywhere near as important as that I have written!
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
The Midnight Hour
Stupid time of night to start writing a blog! Cherry is calling and may have a wet pad, so being awake is OK, but actually having the mind for words is quite unlikely. So I leave this as a draft beginning for a later attempt.
Later... as in the following night!
Funnily enough, we have just changed a wet bed again, meaning that I left this post to change Cherry's bed, then returned 24 hours later after doing the exact same thing! Sometimes the patterns of life are so spooky... or is it that we do something like this every night and I have had my attention grabbed by consciously including it in the blog? In terms of care and support, it is often difficult to stay conscious of the repetitive tasks that measure the days of caring for someone with a disability. It is a defence against the desire to run that causes us to numb out and 'get on with the job'. I remember this starting to happen very early on when the nightmare was just beginning. After a while, we got so good at it that we hardly noticed how completely the caring tasks usurped our lives. It was necessary to allow an outside perspective to call our attention back to the moment and a realisation of what was happening. But it isn't really about us, is it? It's more about Cherry and her life. And valuing the moments in our own lives is the way we stay awake to the process of Cherry's life and keep it whole and treasured... respected and enjoyed... not just a series of tasks we 'have to do'. It is a gift to be aware of the person in the life you serve. It offers a deep validity to all you are and calls for the best you can be.
Later... as in the following night!
Funnily enough, we have just changed a wet bed again, meaning that I left this post to change Cherry's bed, then returned 24 hours later after doing the exact same thing! Sometimes the patterns of life are so spooky... or is it that we do something like this every night and I have had my attention grabbed by consciously including it in the blog? In terms of care and support, it is often difficult to stay conscious of the repetitive tasks that measure the days of caring for someone with a disability. It is a defence against the desire to run that causes us to numb out and 'get on with the job'. I remember this starting to happen very early on when the nightmare was just beginning. After a while, we got so good at it that we hardly noticed how completely the caring tasks usurped our lives. It was necessary to allow an outside perspective to call our attention back to the moment and a realisation of what was happening. But it isn't really about us, is it? It's more about Cherry and her life. And valuing the moments in our own lives is the way we stay awake to the process of Cherry's life and keep it whole and treasured... respected and enjoyed... not just a series of tasks we 'have to do'. It is a gift to be aware of the person in the life you serve. It offers a deep validity to all you are and calls for the best you can be.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Nice Day... Let's Write
Much loud 'discussion' in the Lane household today! The good news is that the silence after didn't last too long and some less heated chat followed, which means we are both growing up a bit! The start of a year often feels like pressure cooker, trying to get 'everything' done as quickly as possible. Yesterday I realised that is NOT what we want to be doing for this year and there is no getting away from the fact that a slow cooker is much more what we need! I have no idea why I am using cooking metaphors, I rarely do any cooking these days and I like it that way, but somehow the things I am thinking about are conveyed most naturally within the nurturing, life-supporting actions surrounding the preparation of meals!
Our mantra during this early part of January has become 'One Job' and I am using it as a meditation aid to bring me back to the slower, simpler approaches that keep me calm and focussed and stop the panicking! I gave myself a nasty shock the other day when I started telling Robin that he too could write a novel this year and he would just have to commit to 500 words a day so that when he did find a space opening up for writing more, there would already be much to work with! I am now quite cross with myself for making it sound so easy and leaving me with no excuses.
My 'One Job' this year is connected to that advice. It sits inside the writing activity and needs me to face the 500 words a day approach and trust that more will come when possible. I do not have to change the world, especially not all at once; I do not have to be responsible for anyone else's 500 words and I have never been dependent on anyone's permission except my own.
Permission Granted. Write on!
Our mantra during this early part of January has become 'One Job' and I am using it as a meditation aid to bring me back to the slower, simpler approaches that keep me calm and focussed and stop the panicking! I gave myself a nasty shock the other day when I started telling Robin that he too could write a novel this year and he would just have to commit to 500 words a day so that when he did find a space opening up for writing more, there would already be much to work with! I am now quite cross with myself for making it sound so easy and leaving me with no excuses.
My 'One Job' this year is connected to that advice. It sits inside the writing activity and needs me to face the 500 words a day approach and trust that more will come when possible. I do not have to change the world, especially not all at once; I do not have to be responsible for anyone else's 500 words and I have never been dependent on anyone's permission except my own.
Permission Granted. Write on!
Monday, 2 January 2012
The Time Of Day
It is now after 6.00pm - in fact, nearly 7.00pm - and I am struck by the habit of closing down associated with this time of day for me. I didn't used to have this association. At one time in my life, when I thought I was actually how and who I was always going to be, this time of day would be fiercely opening up; taking advantage of the departing 'others' who would be getting out of the way; leaving space for the creativity and work that made most sense to me; coming alive in rehearsals and performances.
Alarmingly, I got no further with this post until today (two days later) and it is now a completely different time of day so nothing I was feeling then, applies!
However, I will publish this post anyway, but recognise that I need to make more effort to write complete blogs, and save the ramblings for Penzu. Scrambled Blog!!
Alarmingly, I got no further with this post until today (two days later) and it is now a completely different time of day so nothing I was feeling then, applies!
However, I will publish this post anyway, but recognise that I need to make more effort to write complete blogs, and save the ramblings for Penzu. Scrambled Blog!!
Sunday, 1 January 2012
New Year 2012 - Already
Expectations of New Year meaningfulness are pretty doomed, but often the unexpected brings light to the end of the tunnel and us optimists prefer not to think it is only the express train hurtling towards disaster... no, I won't think about it!!
Currently in the house we have one Mother-in-law (The Dreaded), one husbandy-thing, one guest (Josephine), one Cherry (still asleep) and Me! This is a unique and unre-creatable (or defendable word, according to spell check) arrangement of people and somehow it is working!
Soon, I will go and invite Cherry to wake to the New Year. We have had our smoked salmon and scrambled eggs with Bucks Fizz, so she will have to make do with her early morning Fresubin and a Fortisip, which is due. But some grapes and a drink and her Zoton will complete the 'meal' and we hope that she will make the most of our soon to be cooked Roast Dinner! I'd also like to get her out for a short walk by the sea, rain permitting. Then some serious writing and preparing for this first week of 2012.
From then on the feasting has to stop and some redistribution of weight and fitness will begin. This year it will happen, one way or another, and resistance is not only futile, but a waste of effort... so out with the resistance and on with the change. Nothing can stay as it was... and, mostly, we have NO idea what will take its place... so I hope I will be able to recognise and welcome it when it arrives. No more IFs, no more BUTs no more LATERs... it is already later... it is 2012 - Already!
Currently in the house we have one Mother-in-law (The Dreaded), one husbandy-thing, one guest (Josephine), one Cherry (still asleep) and Me! This is a unique and unre-creatable (or defendable word, according to spell check) arrangement of people and somehow it is working!
Soon, I will go and invite Cherry to wake to the New Year. We have had our smoked salmon and scrambled eggs with Bucks Fizz, so she will have to make do with her early morning Fresubin and a Fortisip, which is due. But some grapes and a drink and her Zoton will complete the 'meal' and we hope that she will make the most of our soon to be cooked Roast Dinner! I'd also like to get her out for a short walk by the sea, rain permitting. Then some serious writing and preparing for this first week of 2012.
From then on the feasting has to stop and some redistribution of weight and fitness will begin. This year it will happen, one way or another, and resistance is not only futile, but a waste of effort... so out with the resistance and on with the change. Nothing can stay as it was... and, mostly, we have NO idea what will take its place... so I hope I will be able to recognise and welcome it when it arrives. No more IFs, no more BUTs no more LATERs... it is already later... it is 2012 - Already!
Thursday, 29 December 2011
It Is A Long Long Time Ago
My difficulty with passwords continues... I almost didn't find this blog because I forgot what it was called and then the search wouldn't accept my password... I have already completely lost my btinternet address and all therein due to a changed password and I KNOW I REMEMBERED IT but it would NOT accept it so that was that! I am getting used to the idea that much of my online life is hanging on by a thread and I am one senior moment away from losing it all.
Today has been unproductive, although some nice things moved forward slightly, and Barry and I have vied for the high ground in who can be legitimately grumpiest with the other. It has not been pretty... or clever. Sitting here typing a blog is the closest I've been to content for a long while. I have a list on Evernote, which includes all the writing I am supposed to be doing and 'A room to write in'. Although the office is more work friendly than the filing cabinet version we had before, I am still not comfortable working on any private (i.e. writing) work whilst Barry is so close. The 'Yurt In My Garden, Please' is still a deep craving. Since I lost my favourite writing cafe I have slowly retreated from the permission I gave myself to write, losing the confidence to sit with pen and notebook, in a bubble of my own creation. Truly frightening is how long, long ago that was and how lost it all seems from here. It is time to turn around and start walking back, word at a time, sentence and story, page and permission, earning the ownership of my work again.
Next week Helen and I have PROMISED that we will write our book. I have a new list that details the things I will do to achieve this. Today, here at my recovered blog, I have begun to do what I said I would. It feels good. xxx
Today has been unproductive, although some nice things moved forward slightly, and Barry and I have vied for the high ground in who can be legitimately grumpiest with the other. It has not been pretty... or clever. Sitting here typing a blog is the closest I've been to content for a long while. I have a list on Evernote, which includes all the writing I am supposed to be doing and 'A room to write in'. Although the office is more work friendly than the filing cabinet version we had before, I am still not comfortable working on any private (i.e. writing) work whilst Barry is so close. The 'Yurt In My Garden, Please' is still a deep craving. Since I lost my favourite writing cafe I have slowly retreated from the permission I gave myself to write, losing the confidence to sit with pen and notebook, in a bubble of my own creation. Truly frightening is how long, long ago that was and how lost it all seems from here. It is time to turn around and start walking back, word at a time, sentence and story, page and permission, earning the ownership of my work again.
Next week Helen and I have PROMISED that we will write our book. I have a new list that details the things I will do to achieve this. Today, here at my recovered blog, I have begun to do what I said I would. It feels good. xxx
Monday, 1 August 2011
Not So Fast Nico Tine
I have just tried to link my Blackberry with my blog and failed. I am not so teccy as I hoped. I may have to return and see my o2 Guru.... nice! Most of my writing these days is in my head, a sure sign that all is NOT well and I need to get it onto the page again. It seems the page can be electronic or paper... it doesn't matter. And how do I know this is necessary? Because I am feeling low grade finished and that is a sure sign that I MUST reframe or be lost from everything. Maybe I am just a threatened web page at the moment... you know, when you click on a link and the message comes up 'error... this page cannot be found' and there is a split second of panic 'cos so much seems to be lost even tho' nothing has really changed... or has it?
Obviously I have been holding a space for myself to be grown up in and now my core self is sad. It wants to be let out to play and it is threatening an explosion if it isn't heard. I can see that I am almost perfectly reflecting the MO process and wish I felt less helpless. As does everyone who experiences this process. Hard to breathe, difficult to look after myself (wash, dress, eat), wanting to stay still, asleep, not active. Really scared of moving... a true low grade panic attack. I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE, but I am unable to take the steps without a HUGE effort. Wish I had someone facilitating my return to the flow. I am trudging into mud and the river feels a long way off. Some writing and not thinking may be a useful response. Just now I am feeling my panic, but also a sense of comfortableness as I write and experience it. Deep breath! 5 opportunities to go to the Gym or walk or cycle. Only 1 bike ride achieved. I am pleased I did that, but the resistance to actually going to the gym or riding again is suffocating. This is how I know I am in trouble. Reassuring my friends that this is temporary and I will get through quickly is a true whistle in the wind. I have no idea where this is going.
To Reframe I will need to look at myself in detail. Understand where I have hit my wall and what built it in the first place. Walls, scaffolding, rivers and mud. I am creating a landscape. Perhaps this needs to be written into the book. Restarting the novel may be a good way of travelling this process. If TIME is the issue then I will allow it to fold around me in a way that I stop controlling. Being in control of TIME is more limiting than productive. And is where my biggest fears arise. Lazy.. cowardly.. fraudulent.. unreliable.. pushy.. arrogant.. unfeeling.. selfish.. thoughtless.. dangerous! Ooh! With that resume I am sunk alright! So at least I can see it squirming on the plate now!
My thought processes are a little disconnected today so I do not expect this blog to make much sense at later reading. Not even sure why I posted here. Maybe PENZU would have been more private... although I don't get many hits for my blog ever! The day is stealing away from me and I want to go and catch it before I am plunged into darkness. xxxx
Obviously I have been holding a space for myself to be grown up in and now my core self is sad. It wants to be let out to play and it is threatening an explosion if it isn't heard. I can see that I am almost perfectly reflecting the MO process and wish I felt less helpless. As does everyone who experiences this process. Hard to breathe, difficult to look after myself (wash, dress, eat), wanting to stay still, asleep, not active. Really scared of moving... a true low grade panic attack. I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE, but I am unable to take the steps without a HUGE effort. Wish I had someone facilitating my return to the flow. I am trudging into mud and the river feels a long way off. Some writing and not thinking may be a useful response. Just now I am feeling my panic, but also a sense of comfortableness as I write and experience it. Deep breath! 5 opportunities to go to the Gym or walk or cycle. Only 1 bike ride achieved. I am pleased I did that, but the resistance to actually going to the gym or riding again is suffocating. This is how I know I am in trouble. Reassuring my friends that this is temporary and I will get through quickly is a true whistle in the wind. I have no idea where this is going.
To Reframe I will need to look at myself in detail. Understand where I have hit my wall and what built it in the first place. Walls, scaffolding, rivers and mud. I am creating a landscape. Perhaps this needs to be written into the book. Restarting the novel may be a good way of travelling this process. If TIME is the issue then I will allow it to fold around me in a way that I stop controlling. Being in control of TIME is more limiting than productive. And is where my biggest fears arise. Lazy.. cowardly.. fraudulent.. unreliable.. pushy.. arrogant.. unfeeling.. selfish.. thoughtless.. dangerous! Ooh! With that resume I am sunk alright! So at least I can see it squirming on the plate now!
My thought processes are a little disconnected today so I do not expect this blog to make much sense at later reading. Not even sure why I posted here. Maybe PENZU would have been more private... although I don't get many hits for my blog ever! The day is stealing away from me and I want to go and catch it before I am plunged into darkness. xxxx
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