I have just tried to link my Blackberry with my blog and failed. I am not so teccy as I hoped. I may have to return and see my o2 Guru.... nice! Most of my writing these days is in my head, a sure sign that all is NOT well and I need to get it onto the page again. It seems the page can be electronic or paper... it doesn't matter. And how do I know this is necessary? Because I am feeling low grade finished and that is a sure sign that I MUST reframe or be lost from everything. Maybe I am just a threatened web page at the moment... you know, when you click on a link and the message comes up 'error... this page cannot be found' and there is a split second of panic 'cos so much seems to be lost even tho' nothing has really changed... or has it?
Obviously I have been holding a space for myself to be grown up in and now my core self is sad. It wants to be let out to play and it is threatening an explosion if it isn't heard. I can see that I am almost perfectly reflecting the MO process and wish I felt less helpless. As does everyone who experiences this process. Hard to breathe, difficult to look after myself (wash, dress, eat), wanting to stay still, asleep, not active. Really scared of moving... a true low grade panic attack. I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE, but I am unable to take the steps without a HUGE effort. Wish I had someone facilitating my return to the flow. I am trudging into mud and the river feels a long way off. Some writing and not thinking may be a useful response. Just now I am feeling my panic, but also a sense of comfortableness as I write and experience it. Deep breath! 5 opportunities to go to the Gym or walk or cycle. Only 1 bike ride achieved. I am pleased I did that, but the resistance to actually going to the gym or riding again is suffocating. This is how I know I am in trouble. Reassuring my friends that this is temporary and I will get through quickly is a true whistle in the wind. I have no idea where this is going.
To Reframe I will need to look at myself in detail. Understand where I have hit my wall and what built it in the first place. Walls, scaffolding, rivers and mud. I am creating a landscape. Perhaps this needs to be written into the book. Restarting the novel may be a good way of travelling this process. If TIME is the issue then I will allow it to fold around me in a way that I stop controlling. Being in control of TIME is more limiting than productive. And is where my biggest fears arise. Lazy.. cowardly.. fraudulent.. unreliable.. pushy.. arrogant.. unfeeling.. selfish.. thoughtless.. dangerous! Ooh! With that resume I am sunk alright! So at least I can see it squirming on the plate now!
My thought processes are a little disconnected today so I do not expect this blog to make much sense at later reading. Not even sure why I posted here. Maybe PENZU would have been more private... although I don't get many hits for my blog ever! The day is stealing away from me and I want to go and catch it before I am plunged into darkness. xxxx
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