Snow

A little bit of snow, not so much covering the landscape as clinging on with icy fingernails to well-insulated roofs and shadowed corners of the garden. Further inland the airports are shut and the motorways closed; petroleum gas containing tankers rolled over on the ice and stranded holiday makers-in-waiting dozing fitfully on airport carpet. Snowy rain falling, in deference to the warring meteorologists who predict rain OR snow, now both can be correct!! Barry's Mum calls to find out if she can be confident of the coaches running tomorrow when she treks down to Dorset to be with Auntie Barbara, again. The conversation edges around minus degrees and conflicting predictions, underlying opportunity to NOT GO this year! We may all be afforded a reprieve from family Christmas Travel duty. My own family is present-less as our planned trip had to be called off due to 'weather warnings'.This year... I am finding it difficult to locate my christmas spirit. It seems to be frozen on a slip road and the routes may not reopen before New Year. I'm in need of a dose of Jingle Bells, but I'm more likely to win a timely dose of Christmas Flu, courtesy of my congested daughter. Am I just getting too old for this? Or should I be out searching for the meaning of celebration amongst the tinsel and half-price last-minute-gifts cornucopia, preparing to pretend that all is well and all is well and Ho Ho Ho, all is well...

Wind and Rain

The ribbon of writing I keep in my life has been wrapped around Penzu for the past few weeks. But not as much as I had come to expect. The tension between keeping a reflective journal and writing creatively has thrown up blocks again. Also, I am juggling many threads of work and that makes for an uncomfortable metaphor!! So, what with this and that and ups and downs, I'm more or less tied in knots and now the Winter offers wind and rain to blow the mixture around and, as I hope you can se from my graphic description... I am a mess!
Today I look out of the window and sigh. There doesn't seem to be any more I can say. Angela x

Returning To Place

I am sitting at my desk, looking out at the roofs and tree tops in my back garden (well, the roofs are on the houses in other peoples gardens, but from here they all look like mine) and thinking again of how different it would be if I went to my yurt to write. A commonly told secret of 'good writing' is that you should engage all the senses and capture qualities associated with each one. Sitting here I am aware of the snickerty-snick of my husband typing into the Daily Beast (a forum he frequents) and the muffled sound of electrical humming from beneath my desk, as lead after lead sucks energy from the grid. I feel the squished faux leather of my chair meet my bum and thighs and the course, worn carpet irritating my toes. 
Many hours, days, weeks, months later, I find this unpublished Blog! I am intrigued by its 'almost' and 'unfinished' nature and recall precisely what it felt like when I was writing it the first time round! This time the sensations are different. My bare toes rest on a cold metal frame that sits beneath my desk; everything is the other way round for me since we cleared out the office, so no roof tops or sky or trees for me... It makes me think that some wall decorations are essential.. I will become dispirited from blank-wall-itis. Other people are in the house and talking to themselves, each other, their computers and mobile phones and, sometimes, me. It doesn't get any easier to concentrate and/or find space in this house. An anomaly of sensory overload is that it produces shut down and the result is creative paralysis. Only a Yurt-shaped bubble formed around my consciousness will help me now!
So this new/old blog is finished/goes on and symbolises the this/that of how things are changing. Utterly. And as they take shape, recognisable and true to what they've always been. 
Here is the secret: I will write and the rest will take care of itself.

I Am Still Here

Strangely enough, I have been writing quite a lot, just not here. Inside my head I have so much writing to do that there isn't time for any of it. Also, I am enjoying the complete secrecy of Penzu and find my nervousness about writing finding its way into the public domain is growing. I have always resisted writing letters, or if I have written them, it's a bugger to actual get myself to post them. Something about writing feels so powerful and 'final' as if I will be held to account for any trivial thing I commit to the page. Hence, my eternal writer's block. As long as I am not actually 'doing' anything, I can sneak up on writing and get some 'unattached' stuff out there. But as soon as serious intent enters the picture, I am frozen. Parts of me stop listening to other parts of me. I lose control and most of my personal credibility with it. It's worse than finding your knicker elastic has stopped working. Humiliating, but in a very personal way. No one else can feel it like you do. Anyway, I am beginning to feel a little exposed so that's it for today. I need to think about why writing makes me so nervous. Angels x

Being Unfaithful

I have been away from my blog for a while (not as long as the last time, but a few days, nonetheless), but I have been writing and would like to talk about where I have been writing, as I have really enjoyed the experience. A link on another writer's blog led me to Penzu (now I realise I have to learn how to put links in here... another 10 hours out of my life!!!!) but I'm sure you can google them as well. They offer a great 'notepad' for journaling or writing without posting. It can be completely secure and 'locked' like one of those diaries with a padlock and key that I lusted after when I was a little girl. The freedom it gave me to write whatever came up was wonderful. At times it felt like a walk on the dark side, but such fun. I have been using it to do my Morning Pages (sometimes known as ooops, it's evening already - will they still count?) and speed up my typing. The latter has not really happened, but I am gaining in typing stamina, so a page is nothing for me now!!! I fear that my typing style is never going to achieve speed, but I now know I can expect to do a page within 20 minutes (half an hour on a sticky day). This is a source of simple pride to me, I am a simple girl! So thanks to Alex, who introduced me to the other writer's blogs through her blog and to Penzu for giving me free virtual notepads for life!! Angels x

I'm Curious

I just pressed the 'compose' button and I'm wondering what is going to happen? In fact, I am presently just being curious about all the things I can do here at blogger. Like writing in red, or blue! Will yellow show, or is it safer to be green? Anyhoo! The main thing is, I am curious about everything and it feels fine. So what if I don't have anything in mind to write or anyone to share it with. With so many buttons to press and looks to try out it could be years before anyone notices that my blog is all about form and no content!!!!

This, by the way, is a jump break. And this is a quote... although I think it means that the words are crowded together in the middle of the page and I may have to put my own quotation marks in. Or not!

Advanced Design!

I have just played with my design settings and have changed the look of my Blog beyond recognition. So, if you don't recognise it... that is why. Now I am going to have my hair cut and undergo a mild redesign of my own. The good thing about hair is... it grows. Even the worst imaginable hair cut will, eventually, grow out to something bearable. The good thing about Blog design is... there are plenty more templates, fonts, colours and advanced settings for me to noodle with. This Blog may NEVER be recognisable again!!!! It's Sunday and I'm trying to put off cleaning the loos. Angels x

Morning Pages

My own writing (pen and ink and paper) has taken a bit of a hit this week. Mostly because so much else has been tumbling through the mental/emotional landscape. It's one thing to sit quietly, first thing in the morning, and let the stream of consciousness splash out onto the page; but quite another to even try to keep the pen on the page whilst riding the white water rapids I have encountered this week. So, as I have a rare 15 mins alone in the office, I decided to update my Blog. It's Airbourne again and I have caught glimpses of Red Arrows fighters sneaking across the sky on their escape routes from sea-front displays. The traffic has been epic and, unless I walk, there is little chance we will 'see' the displays this year. Cherry has been poorly (anti-biotic and nystatin poorly) so we won't be taking her, and I have to go to Hove this afternoon so will miss the best parts anyway. I have so much writing to do and so little calm space to do it in. I think it's time Rod and I constructed the Yurt for my garden so I can 'go' to the writing space!! Secretly, I know the space is neither Geographical nor empty of excess noise and activity, for I have found it in all manner of busy and distracting places. It is often elusive and I guess you just have to pick a direction and keep walking until it decides to leap out and grab you. I make myself available! But I also quite fancy a Yurt on my garden!!!!! Angels x

Explanation

In case anyone tries to read the previous blog, it really is an archive of my early blogging from 2006 - 2007 and could take all day!! So it might be worth saving yourself the effort and remember that it is not a NEW posting, but an old rescuing. From an other blog site which I no longer use!! Now I have wasted enough of this day archiving and must get on. x

PS If you want to see all the text in the previous posts... click on the titles and you will go to the original, fully present blog.

Old Blogs Rescued...My Archive!! 2007

15 December

End Of Another Year

This is my December blog. As I suspected, November turned out to be busy, busy and then December caught on and now it's almost Christmas and all I have is busy, busy, busy until the end of the year. However, I must record the celebratory news that my last MRI Scan was very healthy and I have been signed off from the lovely Mr. Critchley's list, fully recovered!! Mostly what that means is that I can live with the underlying uncertainty of not knowing what caused my brain swell and have regained the trust in life I lost when the 'What The hell Was That?' experience happened. Drawing a line under an experience like that is symbolic, because the flow of life doesn't hold lines very well. In fact, in order not to construct a dam, I intend to leave great big holes in this symbolic line, to allow for a healthy flow, just like the hole in my head keeps the cerebral fluid flowing nicely round my brain. I say to people, "I have a hole in my head!" and invite them to touch the slight depression left from the surgery bore hole. But I know now that the real hole is deep inside my head and without it I would be dead. Once again, it is the space, the nothing, the silence that creates the music. Angels xx17 November

Oooooops!

I know! It's November already and what happened to October? Well, I was very busy. I was!!! Honest! I can't begin to tell you how busy I was. In fact, I'm quite busy in November too. So I don't know if I'm going to be able to write all that much here. Although, I have managed to stay clear of NaNoWriMo this year. You'd think this would give me heaps of time, but no. It's not so much time in the day (or night) it's more time in my mind. The thought of enough time as opposed to the thought of no time whatsoever. Just thinking about it is making me tired. Which brings me to the 'not having enough energy' thing. Sometimes I think I should just leave home and start a new life. a quieter life, with more time and energy left over for me to write with. What I really need to do is just turn up here everyday instead of once a month if you're lucky!! I did a procrastination workshop last weekend. Turns out I'm pretty good at it. So no need for any more workshops. It's very dark out. I like that. Angelsxx

30 September

I Lied. But Only A Little.

I have been chided by my most loyal blog fan. Possibly my ONLY blog fan, but still my favourite, nonetheless. (That's the kind of word THEY warn you against using. In the creative writing Gulags they call it a 'thickener'. I suppose if we were making gravy it would be ok.) Anyhoo! My loyal fan has kicked my butt to get on with the real stuff, and while I have no idea what exactly that might be, it has galvanised me back to the blog-face before the September winds blow out completely. I also managed to upload my photos into iphoto and feel technologically in a whole new league. Who knows how swift and efficient I may yet become. I have 'bought' the free tune from itunes and I am prowling the virtual world like a new menace in the neighbourhood. I am Mac Woman, hear me roar!!! Also, I must admit to listening to Cindi Lauper while prowling. I know that spoils the picture somewhat, but I don't care. Girls Just Want To Have Fun! And anyway, Who Let In The Rain? Music to howl along with. So, this is not the highest level of philosophising and I'm not looking for a Purlitser (is that even how it's spelled?) but I do feel much better. Thanks friend (you know who you are and this is just for you) and in October I promise to do MUCH BETTER!!!!! Angelsxx

22 September

One For September

True to recent trends, I am adding a blog per month!! This is nothing to be proud of. Some people blog everyday and find something interesting to say. I stare at the blog key and try to fall asleep. Even though this is likely to be the only blog in September and even though there is tons to write about, I fear this month's blog will end here! Angels xxx

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18 August

A Windy Day

Airbourne is in full swing. Clouds of every height and variety are scudding across the sky almost as fast as the Red Arrows and their airshow colleagues. The urge to go and rescue the apples before they are blown down is getting hard to resist. It is a windy day. Poor Cherry is suffering too. Her old problem has built up again and she now has three sachets of Movicol and an enema inside her, trying to clear the blockage. Mostly she just wants to sleep. I guess it is too painful to stay awake. My own response to this last week has been to doze off a lot. Something about the doldrums. Either they drive you mad or you enjoy the break. Haven't quite decided which end I'm gonna come out on. Barry accused me of 'dancing around writing' and I agreed with him. I don't so much want to know why. I just want to dance in to it instead. So universe. A little help please? Angels xxxx

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31 July

Falling Apart

Took some of Barry's Zapain and find myself without back pain, but without hope either. Maybe it's a side effect, or maybe now I can relax I just haven't got the energy to care anymore. There's a song on the Air Traffic album that we're playing alot at the moment. The refrain goes, 'Please, don't let me down.' Funnily enough, that's how I feel. Like I've been begging people to 'Please, don't let me down.' and they aren't listening. I know this isn't true, but it's a good indication that my emptiness is full of an indifferent world today! I remember when I first discovered that depression could be like a day off, if I didn't fight it. Risky, scary for the people who see it as something wrong. But what's amazing is that the sun is still shining and the world is still full of growing and dying and green and blue and more besides. I've just disconnected from my usual story. That's drugs for you!! Who'd a thought, codeine phosphate could be such a trip. Angels xxxxxxx

17 July

Why Have I got Titles Here Already?

I'm not sure if I've got a draft blog unpublished or what, but two old titles came up when I logged in to add this blog. I meant to call it 'Firing The Grid' cos that's what I did today. But life always shows a curve when you think in too much of a straight line, so the title is about titles, not subject! My daily blog record is in tatters as well, I keep coming over exhausted avery time I even THINK about writing. However, today I've had a nap and I'm breaking through the inertia. For the hour of Firing the Grid, I took Charis to the Sweet Chestnuts at Herstmonceux and we fought our way through the chest high nettles to reach the furthest, 'Secret' tree and danced within it's canopy for the whole hour. I remembered so many moments that connected me to the place and the world. I remembered my awareness in Mexico that I was a Pathfinder and felt strongly the flow within me that finds a 'way' and draws people along. This is sometimes hard, but lately it's as if the 'river' has broadened and is flowing through a well formed valley. Last year it was more like a flood plain and I felt as if I was losing my way, meandering slowly with no clear route. Now I seem to be picking up speed again, but it's not such a lonely thread, in danger of drying out, more a strong river with a freshly flooded feel. In Spate is the term used and I expect to be in Full Spate before long!! Angels xx

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13 July

Hello! Cherry Is back To Hospital Today

It's after midnight and, like it or not, today is the day Cherry goes back to hospital to have her PEG changed. We have talked about it with her and she just laughs. Maybe it's because she'll see the sexy anaesthetist again, or maybe it's because she knows something about the whole thing that we don't know. Anyway, I choose to be there and find out how it all turns out. I'm not usually that brave. I will hide behind the sofa during episodes of Doctor Who, I will avoid watching a film I know is going to end badly. I will be uncomfortable facing the critical lessons life sends my way. But I absolutely believe in my daughter. Angels xx

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27 June

Don't Want To Tell

Want to write tonight about the conference I attended today, but I don't want to say stuff about it. I want to write about what it implied about my relationship with Cherry, but I don't want to be glib. It's too important to even begin to speak of it yet. Iwill do it, just not tonight. Angels xx

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25 June

Monsoon

Just got home from Uni and felt like commenting on the torrential rain we are experiencing. First day of Wimbledon and the country is enjoying a weather whinge of ironic proportions as 'Flaming June' lives up to its expletive. We do love it when the weather turns ironic. Someone told me that we were expecting three Monsoons this year. I thought we'd already had two, which would make this the third. It enabled Glastonbury to live up to its own cliche of mud and madness! I feel embraced by the comfort of English weather gossip. Suddenly, there is nothing else to talk about. All subjects lead back to the weather. Hurrah! Outside the unmown lawn accelerates its growth beyond the capacity of the mower to tame it. Blueberries and strawberries engorge themselves in no immediate danger of ripening and being eaten. Who cares about doing the washing when nothing will dry for the next few days. It's like being at sea. Normal life suspended, for now everything is about water. There are no birds on the wire today. Horizontal wind and rain have ripped their scaly claws off the wires and sent the birds tossing into troubled skies. Some find shelter at the base of chimney pots before they are hurled back into the tempest. All birds in flight go one way. Downwind. I have always loved Monsoon. Angels xx

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17 June

Afro Celts

Just come back from the World Fusion Festival at Herstmonceux. Small, and aiming at perfectly formed, it nevertheless had a world class headlining act in Afro Celts. They really do rock. How on earth did Herstmonceux get them? Anyway, I'm glad they did cos I got to take Cherry to her very first music festival and she enjoyed it very much. From the women's drumming workshop to the Reggae band we saw first and finally to Afro Celts rthemselves. In the end she was lying on the ground with bass rhythmn pounding through her, looking like a real festival chick. I'm tired and my back has taken a pounding, but I'm feeling so satisfied that Cherry has finally had the sort of Saturday night most girls her age like to have planned!! The wind is beginning to blow hard around the house. My window is open and the curtains are moving, making the light swing back and forth. Or is that to and fro? Barry is in London with Chris, ready for their rehearsal tomorrow, and Robin is in London with his mates, ready for the Muse concert at Wembley tomorrow. Just me, Cherry and Jazz at the old homestead. This entry was going to be called Wedded Blitz. But I'm glad I didn't write on that subject after all. I just wanted to preserve the title. Angels xx

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11 June

Can You Do 'Telephone' Morning Pages?

Unlikely as it may seem, despite everything I wrote yesterday, I haven't written anything today AT ALL. Then Holly calls from Vancouver. It's 5.00pm here but in Vancouver it's 9.00am and she's waking up. Reluctantly. She's called me to have an unconditional waffle before starting the day. At one point she apologises for making me her 'morning pages', somewhere to get all the rubbish off your chest before striding out into the new day! I'd forgotten that that was part of what morning pages were all about. Too often we get hung up in making our writing significant. But if I can listen to Holly for 10 minutes and tell what is important and what just needed to be burbled out, and not judge, mybe it's time I offered to do that for myself on a regular basis. Maybe, 'not feeling like doing it' is not important. Maybe, 'doing it anyway' is more useful. Maybe, feeling like crap is not the cue for a rational explanation about 'why I'm not up to writing today' but something irrelevent to the process, to be commented on if I want and ignored if I choose. And writing doesn't have to be about health or well being.Now I'm sure no-one is really reading these blogs I could just as easily use them for typing practise and morning pages off load. I've almost written 250 words, one quarter of my daily word goal. See! It's easy! Maybe I should start a Novel-Blog. Maybe i should have called this blog, The Maybe Blog. Angels xx

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10 June

Birds On A Wire

It's so hard to write anything effective these days without crashing into some readymade cliche (and where do you get the french accents on an Anglo/American keyboard anyway). Such as looking out the window and seeing the birds roosting on TV arials and hearing Leonard Cohen. Beautiful, poetic phrases are the worst. Someone has always already coined them and then our rapacious information/soundbite culture has put them to work, along with catchy sections of classical masterpieces, selling us the next new something. Yesterday I didn't write. I meant to. I thought I wanted to. But when it came to it, I didn't. I'm not even surprised. However, The calculations are that I have four months to write the first draft of my novel to take to the Arvon course and not a writing practice in view! 1000 words a day is the target and will give 100,000 words in six months. Maybe I'll settle for a shorter novel!! Anyhoo, a process around writing is going on and today I'm answering it in the only way that really counts. Today, I'm writing. Angelsxx

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03 June

Tired

Why am I so tired? Even starting to write this blog I just feel like curling up and sleeping for ever. There is so much I should be getting on with. Finishing the 'Play' article; writing the Transition stuff (must get that sorted by Friday); sending the invoice to Andy and Kirsty; writing more of the novel; writing a report on the PCP Conference; sorting out a budget; tidying my office space..... no wonder I'm tired!
Still tired, but now I'm definitely ill too! Lurgy has got me by the throat, and ear. Aching is getting boring and I only want to sleep. I really need this to pass on through. If tomorrow is no better I will see the doctor. Just in case it's treatable. But I expect it's not. Just a monster lurgy with squatter's rights and the ability to lay low until an opportune moment arises. Cherry is bad too. Sleeping all day and not eating. Thank god for the feed/flush routine. And even that is hard to keep up. Getting more than four feed/flushes into her in one day is tricky. Her weight dropped slightly, but it hasn't plummetted. Now she's awake and cranky. Thank god Barry can still function. I'm going back to bed to nurse my aches and pains, like a posessive lover. Unlike some literary giants, being ill doesn't improve my prose!! Angelsxx

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17 May

So. Haiku it is.

The PS meeting was lovely. Lots of fun, snacks, support, setting the endocrinologist straight and snurfling through Jo's thoughtfully provided book box. Kate has the passion to keep us on the PS straight and narrow and so, we are doing Haiku homework for the next meeting. Unfortunately, we didn't decide a next meeting, but I expect it will be sometime in June. Spoke to Sonya today and she enjoyed our emails of despair. She wants a meeting BB (before baby) so June/July it is then. Oops! I forgot to mention the Kite festival. May be time for a group email. Rod is worried about his granddaughter, Jasmine. She was admitted with suspected Menengitis. He won't be able to make the FA Cup Final viewing chez moi on Saturday. We did get the line for our Cody Kite, however, and we are beginning to feel suitably afraid of flying this monster. Nathan's advice gets more and more specific around what can go wrong! I had my first Thai Yoga Massage this morning. Fabulous! I am really determined to do more of it! Angelsxx

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15 May

Is 2007 A Fallow Year For PS?

I don't know how to ask this question properly. Last year I was aware that all of us in PS are on individual journeys and some of them are away from the writing focus that brought us together. The journeys are good ones, hard ones, important ones. Maybe it is necessary to give BIG space for these journeys to unfold. I don't think anyone wants to fall away. For some it is easier to still hold the space for the group. But we all want to be there. We just don't seem to all be able to make it. It worries me that some of us will continue the PS thread whilst others are busy. Will it still be PS? Or will it relax into good friends? Do we all still need the group, or is it turning into a burden for some? How can we offer the strength of the group to each other in ways that meet the present needs? Lots of questions. I recall the slow mulching of the Adult dance Group. It is only now, five or six years later, that the energy for something like it is rising again in my life. Is Ps having a 'composting' moment of its own? Patience. There is nothing to do. Time will tell. Angelsxx

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13 May

My First iMac Blog

So, here I am on my new Apple iMac! It's so pretty. All white and slinky! There have been some teething troubles. Not with the actual iMac of course. But between bt and Barry and my old pc, it's taken me nearly five days to sort out my email. I'm still learning all the easypeasy shortcuts like 'tab' to move down the page and 'hit return' to activate a page when the bar is blue. My instincts are still quite pc! but I'm LOVING my new white keyboard, even though the @ is in a completely different place. Now all I have to do is spend some time forwarding neccessary emails from pc to googlemail so I can access them on iMac and practising setting up files so I remember where all my work goes. No 'My Documents' here. (Unless, of course, I name a file thus. For 'old time's sake'). Tee hee! Today I'm going to Tunbridge Wells with Charlotte to do a Thai Yoga Massage workshop. Gotta go shower so I'm clean to touch. Mmmmmm! Angelsxx

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08 May

The Big Clearout

The idea for today is to instigate the Big Clearout. Yesterday I said "YES" to a new I Mac and now I have to clear my desk to be ready to receive it. I have to clear my desk anyway as it is in too much muddle and there are things I have lost which may be buried in the pile. Also, my mind needs clearing so I can do all the things I have set myself to do. As the saying might go, 'As on the desk, so in the mind' and even I can see that I'll never find anything in this mess! To get started on the BC I need BOXES so I can put large numbers of papers into storage because I'm not quite ready to let them go but I never use them. Also, other boxes will act as libraries of subject-filed information, to be accessed quickly and easily when I discover a need for them. Hopefully I will be able to use black bin bags to remove, completely, large amounts of bona fide rubbish. We shall see. Staples have some perfect R-Kive boxes and I itch to go and buy a pack. They symbolise the clarity of mind that will come with this major organisation project. 'I'm Angela and I'm a stationaryaholic.' Fortunately it's started raining again so there is a reprieve. Perhaps it's time to phone-a-friend. The storyteller is whispering that "when I have got everything clean and tidy, THEN I will be able to get on with writing my novel." It's an old story and like any adult I cradle it nostalgically to me for comfort, even as i understand its childish ignorance. ENOUGH! I'm going for the boxes. I may be some time! Angelsxx

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06 May

I Almost Lost You Today

I have just spent fifteen gruelling minutes wrestling with Spaces Live to get it to allow me to sign in to my own Spaces page. Eventually I had to email myself saying, "I AM Angela" How very existential. It does cause us (us humans) extreme anxiety when our certainty about our existence is questioned. Computers are good at that, being a virtual world they have no problem about dumping or corrupting our carefully built and horded on-line identities. But, of course, we are not our on-line identities really. So computers are good at showing us our attachment to unreal selves. But if that is all there is to it, then why are we so keen to express these "unreal" parts of ourselves? Well THAT made me stop and think. Or rather, stop and go blank while I tried to think! Today I had a really good day going to Brighton to see Rod and Kate. Charis came with me and we had a good time in Queen's Park watching the May Day celebrations getting underway whilst eating a picnic in our winter woolies. The weather flipped and went from Mediteranean to English Summer over-night. So we quickly finished and headed for the Hanover Center and relived last year's visits at Festival time. Even tho Jo couldn't make it, Kate and I felt that the PS group were with us in spirit and all would be fine. And on that note, the first drops of rain hit my window and the garden opened its mouth wide. Drink well tonight all parched and weary shoots. There is much growing to do. Angelsxx

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01 May

I Need To Write About The Hospital

I need to write about the hospital. I need to do this for two reasons. The first is that I promised I would for the (now late) new issue of the Including You Newsletter. The other reason is (perhaps) closer to why I'm finding it so hard. Because I need to make a story of it. I need to make sense of it. And maybe it's just too soon for that. Autobiography into myth. That's what Monique said and it rang big, booming bells of truth with me. I find autobiography so hard, because I can't grasp the STORY in the experience. There are too many possibilities, views, understandings. Too much potential and, like Schroedinger's fated cats, I can't tell if they are alive or dead until I open the box and look. I'm also terrified to open the box in case they are dead. If they turn out to be alive it's not so bad. Less to bury. And then, of course, once you've let the cat out of the bag (box, whatever) you can never get it back in again. Well if you'd escaped the Russian Roulette once, would you want to go back for another round? So I started my novel as a Myth into Autobiography shuffle. It's not a whole lot easier. Plot IS a four letter word and the inner-editor keeps sucking her teeth. A very annoying sound. Puts me right off. I mean, how's a girl to FOCUS on what she's writing with that infernal racket? I had a vision of my desk after I had got as far as redrafting my novel. There are in/out trays, three in fact, with labels on them. Crap, Real Crap and Utter Crap. My hope would be that time could turn the Crap into acceptable writing and that the Real Crap might compost in a bit to give a gritty quality. But I don't hold out much hope for the Utter Crap, and guess which tray is fullest! Angelsxx

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22 April

The Final Solution

I wish! I expect even Hitler wished by the end. On the days when it seems like there should be a once and for all solution, but there never is. Human life is much less final, despite the inevitability of its ending. I just want to be able to do all the fantastic things I think of doing. But some OTHER part of me seems determined to make that impossible. My day self and my night self. COMPLETELY at odds with each other, but as if neither has even heard of the other. So do these separate personalities EVER discuss stuff? A third part doubts it. See how easy it is to become nuts? Angelsxx

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18 April

Writing, writing, writing!

Today is almost the last day I have to complete some of the writing tasks I have. Of course, these are not the last writing tasks I will ever have, nor are they the most spectacular!

Nevertheless, they are the ones on my list right now and so they are the one's I am most resisting. By sitting myself at this keyboard, until a number of them are finished, I strengthen my capacity to cope with my success. I also stop the senseless hyperventilating that occurs when I imagine I am failing. Arguements with my husband will not distract me from the anxiety I create, so, fuck em! I am writing, writing, writing tonight! With literary articulation, Angelsxx

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12 April

Today Is Sunny.

Today is sunny and it's the seventh or eighth day in a row that it's been sunny. And it still feels new! In England you just never know when the sunny day will break. A run of sunny days is like a gripping thriller. You want to know how it will end, but you don't want it to be over. Today is extra sunny because I heard back from Totleigh Barton about my Arvon Foundation application. Awarded £100.00 and accepted onto the course. Now THAT feeling is one I will practise alot. Today is sunny and I have much writing to do. A long walk and much writing and plenty of THAT feeling. Barry has just had THAT feeling when he managed to get our new BT broadband/internet/email/phone thing to work. You see, it's more about the feeling than what appears to cause it.

Sometimes, when I am just about to be overwhelmed by all the amazing things I am trying to do, I look sideways and remember that I can only BE doing what I am actually doing. Everything else is fiction. And if the plot gets too tangled, I can change it. So for now, writing, walking and feeling THAT feeling are all that I put in my life novel today. Thank you. Angelsxx

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22 March

Many Pictures To Show

Got all the Artworks pictures up of Cherry working with Tim and Jon last October. It still makes me cry as it was such a magical afternoon and the BEST memory I could hold of the special relationship between John and Cherry, now that we will never see him again. Jon was killed in a traffic accident in Cambodia in January of this year. He and Tim were over there completing a film Tim was making about the people they work with and the children they help. I went to his funeral in February. Cherry was too ill to go, but I took a painting of hers that she and Jon and Caroline and Kate had worked on when they did the India project at Hazel Court. Now Cherry is regaining her strength I want Jon's legacy to continue in her and all the people he worked so amazingly with. All the 'hard to reach' kids he reached effortlessly. It was at the funeral that I realised there is nothing to wait for. Honouring his huge example means getting on with the creativework of our own lives. No more excuses. Thanks Jon

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19 March

No Longer 51

As I passed my birthday last week I realised I am no longer 51. It's a mournful idea, losing the 51ness of life. 52 seems so new and brutal. Not only numbers are changing. Almost everyone and everything seems different. Mostly I celebrate the changes, but I miss my 51. It's also been a long time since I blogged here or put up some pictures. Although tonight is late and my eyes won't stay open for much longer, I promise to do blog catch-up and put some seriously moving pictures up. Until then, night night. Angelsxx

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07 January

New Year

I haven't been here for some time. The year turns and a gale is brewing to bring in Spring. At last I feel invigorated. Even tho' I know no-one will read this, I mark the day. THIS is what a blog/journal/diary is all about. For me and for the journey. I've been going backwards, but now the engine is churning the tide and soon I will be returning. Hasta la vista everyone. Angelsxx

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14 November

Trip To Dartmoor

I'm almost on my way to Dartmoor for the research trip I promised myself. It's been nearly a year. This time last year was scary. It's quite scary this year. Anyway. Tomorrow I'm on my way to Dorset, to my Mum and Dad's. Then on to Dartmoor with them on Thursday. Cherry is in respite, although that was touch and go for a while. That girl can time an illness to perfection! I hope she's comfortable tonight and manages to enjoy her stay at Greenwood this month. Barry is staying home after all. Without the car. I hope he survives. But I'm getting away.

Most important thing is to remember to take my wellies!! And my laptop! More packing!! See you on the other side!

Angelsxx

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25 October

Rainy Day Blog

Another gap in the stream of blog. Sometimes it's because I'm busy and sometimes it's because I'm scared to. Anyone who's ever sat in front of an empty sheet of paper and not known what to write will recognise the kind of fear I'm talking about. For the past month I have had a LONG list of things to write and I have trembled about every one of them. However, the list is slowly shrinking and today's blog is in celebration of that accomplishment. An unlisted piece of writing to show I have stamina and courage to spare! On the other hand, who am I kidding! And it's raining again. There are washing issues to do with that. Not the rain per se. I quite like the rain. I just don't like damp washing all around the house. Still not using the dryer bit of the washer/dryer. I am scared of so many things!! Angelsxx

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13 October

Friday 13th

It's THAT day! Barry is bemoaning our crap email and internet provider. I can't decide if he's enjoying the moaning more than the hassle of not getting his email, cos when I suggest we change he forgets to answer! Helen is downstairs getting Cherry ready for a hard day's shopping and I must get dressed soon so I can go with them. I also have an eye test and a hearing test. This is very 'little old lady'. For a moment there I went all depressed, but it's a lovely day out and I couldn't be arsed to be miserable on a day like today. Friday the 13ths are always value for money!! Got the, 'leading up to Halloween' energy going. Gonna have a party, Cherry's 20th. Gonna practise my cackle!!!!!

Got to get a few more blogs in this month. Next month is NaNoWriMo and I will be BUSY!! Pretty busy this month too, but writing begets writing so write on! Angelsxx

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01 October

The Wedding Pictures Are ON!

Finally managed to upload pictures of the wedding to this space today. I'm still not intuitive about how to do these operations, but with Robin's help (and Andy's help yesterday) I have made another small step on the road to technological effectiveness! This is important as Cherry's website is about to go collossal and I've promised Robin that once it's secure I will try and do as much of the day to day uploading as I can. So I have to be competant and the only way to get there is to keep doing it myself! Now I must go and get the final steps towards password launch prepared. One more news page with pictures. Of the wedding and of Linden Link and of Helen and Cherry at Art Works. Haven't got the ones from horseriding yet. Then I will have to write the introduction to the Project Weight Gain page so Robin can upload that this afternoon.

PROGRESS! Angelsxx

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28 September

Everyone's Catching It

The entire Lane family is feeling blue. Cherry isn't home at the moment so she may, or may not, be feeling blue. Holly in Vancouver is blue cos she's ending her relationship with Kennedy and living on her own for the first time. Both things she wanted, but she's still blue. Robin is blue cos Ellie's gone to Exeter and he's also blue cos it happens like that when you're 18. Barry's blue cos he's got lots of things to do that he doesn't want to do and won't do the lots of other things he might want to do ( and that I might want him to do) because of all the things he doesn't want to do. I'm blue cos this game of resisting doing anything I might have suggested, or asked for, has gone too far and now I'm going down with the ship. Even the dog is blue in a kind of 'doggy solidarity' thing with her pack. "They're blue so there must be good reason to be blue, so I'm blue." Cherry comes home tomorrow so we'll find out if she has been blue too. If she hasn't, then she may well become blue, like the dog, to fit in. Anyone got any ideas about how to change this colour scheme? Angelsxx

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21 September

The Sun Shines Again

Another five days without blogging, although I did email Sharon and it turned into a bit of blog all of it's own! Today the sun is hot and the sky is blue. The hurricane is on it's way and our boiler is fixed. Cherry's new car is here and looks shiny and new, so we keep taking it out for little drives, just to show off! Yesterday was Holly's 25th birthday and I was so proud of her. She phoned me twice and kept her vow to be happy and have fun despite her farher's best efforts to undermine her. (Probably not consciously but it's what he's like). I even made it to Curves!!

Thank you Sharon for your comment, it lifted me up. Being heard is one of the most supportive things you can offer anyone. It reminded me that there is wisdom in saying how you feel. It gives you a chance to be heard. Otherwise, there is only silence. Angelsxx

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16 September

Late Saturday

Fear and loathing. The load of family is playing on my mind. 'Leaving' is a dangerous word. With regard to my drinking, I am at square one with my judgements about myself. Stability is still a high price to pay. I have another chance to see things from my point of view and be relaxed about the outcry. If I were to pack and go I would only have myself to blame. Maybe that is all I need.My mum had the problem of how to tell her daughter to leave the man who damaged her when she stayed with the same person in her life. Good men, damaging relationships. I am doing the same to my daughter. I left Barry once and came back. He certainly didn't appreciate that. I may need to try again. Angelsxx

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Slow Saturday

Starting very slowly today. A whole week since I last blogged. Full of self loathing and defeat. (Just thought I'd throw that in for dramatic effect). The website is on the verge of being passworded. Only seven more pages to do in asp, then we'll be ready to launch. But first, Robin has to wait for Ellie to leave for uni. I understand that. You have to focus on such a big event. Nothing else can get in the way. I'm a little anxious about how depressed he might be after she's gone, but I'm hoping he'll drown his sorrows by working hard on the website! (lol).

Last weekend was the wedding and I will shortly be gathering pictures to upload onto this site. Womad will finally be history! I also look a lot better at the wedding than I did at Womad, so that will be a relief. But mostly it will mean posting pictures of my family. ALL looking gorgeous for the wedding. I have got some serious technical learning to do in the next few weeks. Can my trusty pc cope? Still slow on my new mobile. The sophisticated texting speed (for me) that I had achieved on my last model is but a distant memory. And there's so much more! But familiarity breeds comfort and comfort breeds confidence and confidence may lead to better texting. I am optimistic. Angelsxx

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06 September

Less Drama, More Life.

It's now the very end of Wednesday and still no action on the website. BUT, I'm feeling ok. Robin has been ill and I'm aware that he will respond quickly when all the factors are right! Sometimes I think I get too tied up in the ORGANISING. So my motto for the next week is, Less Drama, More Life. And, of course, the family wedding! Scary!! BIG news (that's irony) is that Barry has got us new upgrades for our mobile phones. For the tekkies out there, we now have Erickson K800i with bells and whistles and flash camera! It takes me 2 minutes to achieve a simple text as I'm still struggling with the new layout! One step forward, 10 steps back and sideways and down, turn around three times and think of the number you WOULD have first thought of! The sophistication of this model may remain beyond me, but I hope to get competant on calling, texting, photography and music. I can already make the radio work (WOW)! and a pipe dream is to get the email/internet facility to function. Dreaming high these days! Night night, Angelsxx

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04 September

It's A Beautiful Day

Looking out my window at clear blue sky. A short reprieve from the rapid descent into Winter we've been experiencing. Not that it's been snowing or anything. Just an underlying despondency at the change of season. My blogging has suffered. Even though I have looked at this page every day I just haven't been willing to write. Very little progress on the website as Robin got back from Paris, had a day off and has worked at Impact every day since. I think I've negotiated an hour on Tuesday! Let you know how that goes.

Another frustration has been the unreliability of our internet connection and the slowness of my computer. Even typing this up I am aware of a 'stickyness' in it's response to some commands. Then there has been the total 'no show' from Oak House for a start date and difficulty in getting Helen to start the Friday activities effectively. No one to blame, just general slow, stickyness! Linden Link has started well, although Caroline has let me down by not being around this week due to training so she won't sort out a hairstyle for Cherry. Back to the drawing board. I may have to 'do it myself'. Not a problem, just not as special. We also have to find out if it's ok for Robin to start college on Tuesday, or later on Monday as we weren't coming home on Sunday if at all possible. Hey Ho! Feeling low! If good news arrives today I'll return and file a more upbeat blog later!! Angelsxx

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23 August

A Moment of Peace

Everyone has gone out. Meg was round visiting and at the moment she had to leave Ellie and Robin were ready to go out for lunch to Yummy Noodles and it started raining so Barry agreed to drive them. It is Robin's 18th birthday today, so he's milking it well! The ring that Merrie and Gramps gave him is beautiful. Nana and Grandad exchanged rings in 1929 when they married and now the two rings have been combined to make a signet ring for Robin. It's been engraved with his initials, R.L. and he is thrilled with it. Robin was a real gift to his great grandparents, a return of their beloved boy, named after him and easier to love! It does seem fitting that he should carry their committment to each other on into his life. Especially as he is so committed to his own love, Ellie! Angelsxx

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22 August

Do I Give Up?

Today is the day before Robin's 18th birthday. I'm so happy for him! Unfortunately, this is the deadline we agreed to have the password stuff done for Cherry's website. The past week has seen rows and resistance and slow progress to the point where he thinks he can set it all up easily and promises to do it today. But it's nearly tonight and I can't remind him anymore. I've just brought him home from a trip to buy him a suit for the wedding. We have to go back on Friday, but we should have something nice by then. As we parked outside the house he was telling me he'd see to the website when he got in. Now he's talking to his friends and playing. I think I have to let go and trust that, somehow, it will work out. I can't go in and remind him again. I feel just like I do when I hit resistance from Barry. Defeated! So do I give up? Or do I try again later? Answers on a postcard please. As soon as possible!! Angelsxx

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18 August

Difficult Times

Robin is talking to Mark about the 'password problem'. It may be a difficult evening. I persuaded him to talk to Mark after he 'explained' to me why we might have to talk to Easy Space to buy a password programme from them. Knowing that E.S. will charge us an arm and a leg just to listen to our problem, let alone solve it, I thought we should try something cheaper first. Bless you Mark for offering to come over on Sunday. Hope it happens and that you can help Robin sort out the glitches. Circle of Support works!!

I have just come back from a Curves Party for Rosie, who is leaving today.The food was amazing and I was glad I had to come home after only an hour, or I would never have worked off the calories tomorrow. Today I walked into town and back so I felt quite virtuous, until I filled my plate up tonight. Now I am looking forward to a quiet evening and an early night. Difficulties put aside until Sunday! Angelsxx

PS. Fantastic displays all afternoon from Airbourne, culminating with The Red Arrows. I still feel excited like a little girl when I see those jets fly overhead. Thankyou Eastbourne.

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14 August

Now I'm Scared

I've just tried to write a blog and it was going so well and then it dissappeared. I mean deleted itself. Who is doing this? What is going on with this place. This space s. I left off the question marks 'cos I know no-one is going to answer. Anyway, I'm scared and tired and I REALLY don't like computers taking away my writing. So I'm going to publishe this and MOVE AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD. Better luck tomorrow? Angelsxx

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11 August

Life Is Like

Life is like a hard game of hockey in the winter when you are so cold and the ball doesn't come anywhere near you, no matter how much you run up and down the wing, until suddenly, it flies at you and you try to stop it with your stick, but your hands are so frozen the impact jars right up to your elbows and you drop the stick and you can't feel your hands, only the pain, and the blonde bitch onthe other team sails in and takes the ball and SCORES!

Some people think it's a bowl of cherries but they haven't played hockey on a muddy, english girls grammar school pitch. I expect I'm cross 'cos Holly's so-called boyfriend has just left, blaming her and citing inappropriate sexiness as the main reason! Nevertheless, she's doing well and I'm sure it will bring cherries and bowls her way, sooner than later. So goodbye Kennedy!

Interestingly, this blog seems to be getting its lines closer together in the second two paragraphs. Have I inadvertantly pressed the squeeze up button? just spoke to Janina on Messenger. We are talker types so it's hard for us, once the conversation turns interesting. We want to turn off the computer and pick up the phone. Makes me wonder about Skype.

I was going to make this blog all about yesterday's PS meeting, but it's turned out otherwise. I took some notes so I might do a writing excercise with them later. We were very creative and excitable last night. It was FUN! Next Wednesday is Kate's 40th. That should be fun too! Angelsxx

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10 August

Speedy Blog

Got to go to Curves with Sharon, but just taking a moment to write in and say, some lovely things coming through the Circle website. The PATH is here and the photos are on, although only three so far. Robin has promised to put more up, but not until tomorrow when he returns from his busy life. Aaaaaah! Love him!

Cherry went in to Linden Link and ok'd her new toilet today. Very amusing scene of six adults discussing her whilst she's sitting on her loo! More later. Sharon's here. Angelsxx

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09 August

Waiting To Upload Photos

Although I will be doing other things today, I have titled this blog 'Waiting To Upload Photos' because I want to make sure it happens today. Robin is still asleep, but this will remind me to ask him when he wakes. I feel uncomfortable having my words on the site without the photos which help make sense of them. They were written to be photo words and I don't know if they will stand alone!

Before Robin wakes I will probably be gone for an hour or so. Sharon and I are going to 'Curves' to see if we want to join. At the very least it will be a giggle and it may help both of us get started on our trimming project. Otherwise I feel a long (possibly endless) slippery slope towards an unnecessarily wobbly old-age! I am being a tad overdramatic, but that's what it feels like from here. Wish us luck! Angelsxx

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08 August

Sunny After Rain

Today is bright and sunny, just like they forecast. Yesterday we had a freak cloudburst over Eastbourne and the Town Centre drowned. Think I might go in today and see what the fallout is like. Today's the day I sort out the dog's fleas, phone social services and start writing some flash fiction for the Art Book. Rod and I talked about our new project, making kites and flying them at the Dieppe kite competition next year! I suggested writing poems or flash fiction on them. Another form of publishing. We also have an idea for poetry cards to distribute to participating restaurants next Brighton Festival. More subversive forms of self-publishing. Perhaps it's all about distracting ourselves from actually writing something. But the ideas are good. I will make a list of them and when I'm bored, or depressed, I'll choose one and fly with it! Then I will be Project Woman!!

Janina set up a Spaces blog yesterday, but I still don't have her address. Sharon's is something like chocoholicfrom1974 but i'll have to check. Wonder how many others I can encourage into this mad activity!

Spoke to Holly last night. Our future selves are on 24hour alert to stop us giving up on ourselves. And then we have each other! I can tell her how well she's doing and she can tell me. Now it's time to go for a walk. Angelsxx

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07 August

A New Week

Feeling a bit lost after the rush of last week, then the free-fall weekend. I want to get the pictures and news of the launch up on the site as soon as possible. Robin has barbecues to go to, however, so I may be chasing him for a few days more. I've asked him to get the database started and hope thet it will be ready to go by next week. Meanwhile, we've started to get Cherry eating again. Barry made shepherd's pie and she had three helpings! I can't remember when Helen (carer) is due home, but I want to arrange some swimming and days out for Cherry as soon as possible.I shall phone Guy tomorrow to see when the extra hours start. Helen owes us quite a few. I hope this doesn't deteriorate. I really want Cherry to have some fun.

I must start working on my Art Book submission. The ideas are evolving in my head, but not a lot on paper yet. Something Rod said, after seeing some of our family photos, about how i look completely different from one time to the next. Face, body and everything. I conceded that I've had to re-invent myself many times. Always pushed to be something I didn't want to be. But ending up taking the role anyway. It linked immediately with the portraits of myself reflected in the PS members and also with what 'Miss Wyoming', a Douglas Coupland book I've just read, was about. This crazy life remains a ride alright.

Very muggy all night. Today the skies are thick with low, grey cloud. Better get the washing off the line! Angelsxx

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05 August

Success!

Woke up this morning! (duh! duh!) and signed on to my cherry's circle email! (duh! duh!) and there were three sign ups for her circle of support, including one each from her big sisters, Jemma and Aebbe! They wrote some lovely things and it feels like a whole new chapter in our big family is about to happen. This website idea is really working. Rosemary also sent her sign up through the website and Robin is tweaking it into supercharged, go website state all the time. I'm so proud of what he's done. So's Barry. Now all we have to do is get Cherry to eat well today and we'll all be laughing, with joy! I'm going to get her up now, but later on we'll sit her in front of her website for a couple of minutes. So it starts to look familiar. Oh! And the sun is shining!

Thanks Rod and Janina and Laura and Harvey and Ellis and Helen and Vicky and Guy and Ben and Rosemary and Helen's Mum and Joyce and Bev and Jessie and Wendy and Laura from Linden Court especially, for helping us launch Cherry's Circle so successfully. Angelsxx

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04 August

The Day Closes

All's quiet as we start to register what we've begun today. The launch was successful, although Cherry hasn't eaten anything since she got back from Greenwood. She just seems tired but manages a lovely smile every now and then. Robin is getting all the pages up and running. There was enough up for people to see how it would work, but it will be nice when every button works and SOMETHING appears when you click. I'm so proud of him. Soon I will start to look at the pictures we got and write up the news page. Including some of the lovely comments people made in the book. Ben did a fantastic job of setting it up for use. Janina played beautifully AND had her first performance with her granddaughter, Jessie. Helen sang for Cherry and we all boogied on down to that. The girl can sure sing! I'll write more soon, but got to go now as Robin wants me to look at the website on my computer! Angelsxx

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The Day Dawns

Only got a little time before we set off to get cakes from Charis and pick Cherry up. Still loads to do for the website. Robin hopes to be able to do some while we're at the launch. Putting up pictures taken on the spot. I'm as relaxed as I can be about it. Mostly I just don't want the momentum to fail after today. At some point I will have to learn how to put stuff on myself.

Still some writing to do before we go. Mostly about the project and some help we need immediately. Another techie would be good and someone to help with making Cherry's Circle a registered charity. Then I must start writing bits about Cherry.

Rod is arriving at 11.00am and will help with the set up. I wish the PATH thing had arrived, but so it goes. Maybe it's on its way even as we type! Got to go and make smoothies now. Angelsxx

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03 August

It's getting Close

Thursday morning and I'm beginning to feel a sense of urgency. At last! Going in to town to order our new motability car and buy Rosemary's massage balls (sorry Rosie, haven't had a chance till now). I keep remembering people I haven't invited so my idea for one huge email event is rather spoiled. Half the people I have to phone first to get their email addresses. 'Aint technology wonderful! Got to get going, I'll catch up tonight. Angelsxx

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02 August

Only Three Days To Go

It's strange how we always fall apart a little in the few days without Cherry. Whilst she is in respite we expect to be able to get on with stuff more easily. Instead, we enter a dazed state and the time evaporates. Before we know it, we are preparing to collect her and the break is over. All this time to get the website up and running and we are watching it trickling through our fingers. I guess it takes time to shift gears and we don't prepare for it. Nevertheless, the invites started to go out yesterday and the presentation page is all but finished. Today we tackle the 'Welcome' page and 'News' page. Robin thinks the log in should be easy to do and we have allowed that the password may have to come after Friday. We won't have evertything up and running by then so it shouldn't matter too much.

Robin also helped me get the Womad pictures on my Space yesterday. Sharon came round with her camera and we entered a challenging arena of Space management. Apart from the fact that some of the photos need rotating, which I know how to do, theoretically, I have made another giant leap forward in my computer skills. Of course, they were so basic to start with that ANY new skill is a major accomplishment. Perhaps that's why, when I logged on this morning, someone had revamped my page.Maybe it's my reward for developing my space past basic! Very motivating! Watch this space. Angelsxx

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01 August

Got To Stay Calm

First morning without Cherry and a lot to do for the website. GOT to get the invites out today. Nearly 5 days late. But I remind myself that 'only by staying calm and trusting the idea can it possibly hope to work.' I must remember not to get anxious at Barry and Robin. If I have to, I will just write an invite myself, no design or pictures, and email everyone I can think of, Then print out a few and take them to Hazel Court and Linden Court. Save a few for Greenwood as well. There, that was easy!

Yesterday was strange as I spent the morning at a Launch for Carers and Carers Services Research Paper. Then I came home to finish getting Cherry ready for respite and realised that I was very anxious about it. She's lost weight again. Not eating OR drinking. Could be getting sick. Just don't know. Have to wait for the call to 'come and get her'. Why can't we just relax and trust that they will look after her? And why, if we don't trust them, do we let her go there in the first place?

This is a big week in the transition of Cherry's and our lives. After this week, everything will start to go in new directions. I suppose this is the closest we'll get to Cherry setting off for Uni or a gap year or something. Unsettling!

Well, enough of the avoidance blogging! Time to get on with the day! Angelsx

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30 July

The Late Morning After

Back from a day and a night at Womad, my first world music festival. Sharon and I left early Saturday morning, after a poor night's sleep (too excited?) and got home at 4am this morning. Nearly 24 hours, with only a few catnaps amidst the hordes to sustain us! It was great! Saw (and heard) some extraordinary bands from as far afield as Niger, Cuba/Jamaica, France, UK/Africa/Australia, India, USA, Mali, UK/India, and missed as many too! Thousands of middleclass daytrippers watching hundreds of professional festival-goers selling all the paraphanalia for the lifestyle. Dreadlock wigs, poi-poi, kaftans and all their batiked offspring, good causes, food, organic food, healthy food, organic unhealthy food, expensive food, wine, beer, cider, brandy coffee, brandy chai, drums, therapy, massage (had one, it was bliss), music cds, jewellry, funny hats, art/crafts, herbs, candles, ice-cream, twirly things, fairy costumes, prorammes. The list lasted all day.

It was hot and sunny, cooler and cloudy, it rained lightly at 10pm, heavily at 11pm and then intermmittantly on the way home. The fuul range of festival weather. The music was wonderful and the people were fun to watch. Ask me to tell you the story of 'Beatrice' and her ditzy fiance. Mostly behaviour was good. Drinking made people wobbly which meant they had to concentrate really hard when they tried to pick their way through the seated (or standing) hordes who were already occupying all the space at any of the concerts. People often got kicked or stepped on to the accompaniment of a flurry of 'sorrys'. But as one man said, 'Sorry doesn't make it ok!' Only one guy, drunk and trying to steal from lost property, got the heavy handed approach from security, at least as far as we saw.

Initially, programme sellers were elusive, but by the end they were ten a penny, although the programmes remained £5.00 all day. As we got home in the wee small hours, I left the programme with Sharon along with my shorts, skirt and knickers. I'll get them back later and then I can record the exact names of all the bands we saw. They were good. The day was good. Thank you Sharon for a really good day. Unforgettable, just like you! Angels

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28 July

What A To Do.

What a to do refers to the enormous number of things appearing on my to do list. I can't decide if I'm just feeling overwhelmed generally, or if there really are two million things for me to do. Wisdom suggests dealing with one thing at a time, but whoever listens to wisdom when there's a chance for some drama around a self created crisis. This is a habit I started whilst a melodramatic teenager. It is deeply humiliating to find I've reached the maturity of 51 and still respond to the 'Chicken Little' view of the world.

Every year I work to overcome 'problems' and every other year they come back with a whole new wardrobe and set of tricks to 'get' me again. Aah! the pitfalls of trying to fix stuff. Nevermind. Sharon will be round at 10am to discuss OUR TRIP TO WOMAD this Saturday! It's the first music festival I have ever been to, (well, on Saturday I will have been) and it bodes well for my Golden Years if this sort of thing becomes the new direction to my life. I still have an ambition to do my first Bungee jump at 60. It seems to me a good way of shaking the lists out of my head! Meanwhile, I'd better get back to number 35 on the current list. Only another 1,999,965 to go. Angels (optomist).

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26 July

Last Day, Very Hot

It is still very hot and I am waiting for some phone calls before I get back to work on the website copy. (So I'm actually distracting myself from doing any work). It's SO hot! I also have a query as to why it sometimes takes two goes to get the large font size to work and why i sometimes lose it. Anything to do with pausing for too long? I still know so little about how this place works.

Spent the afternoon seeing Cherry and her school friends boogying away their last afternoon at school. Next September she will be two days a week at college, two days at Linden Link and one day roaming free with a personal carer! I hope this proves acceptable as we do need her to be out of the house some of the time. She needs more than our ugly mugs to look at and some familiar peer group as well as new friends is usually essential for young adults. I'm told. (It was a long time ago when I was a young adult). Getting maudlin here, signing off for now. Angels

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25 July

Missing A Step

I got a lovely message from Nykki, but she couldn't get onto the Space. Now I have put Laurie on my list of contacts, maybe she can. I am always missing a step or two with this stuff. Maybe one day it will all come clear! I don't want to change my preferences, but I must remember to put new viewers on my contact list. Back to the bottom of the class! Angels

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Having A Moment

I've just sent out an SOS to my Writers Group, begging for some reassuring words and promising to send the address to this site. It is definitely too hot and sticky for this kind of spontaneous action. I may regret encouraging more people to view, but somehow this form seems to require an audience! Barry is calling me to supper. I'll return later!! Angelsx

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24 July

Charis Read My Blog!

Hooray! Charis read my blog! Still no comments ON my space page, but she sent me an email! I feel published. Now I need to consult with Robin as to how to put comments in, how to get music on and how to do a picture show! It's so exciting!

Work slow on Cherry's Circle, but Robin began to have ideas tonight and Barry has started thinking too. I've got to work out the copy for the Home Page. A circle with three sections:1) About the circle: 2)About Cherry: and 3) About the Website/Project. Don't need much, just enough to direct people to the different pages.

Did manage to make a few more important phone calls today. Gotta keep trusting that people will get it and start responding once the site is up and running . Night night! Angels

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Barry's Back

Just a quick entry. Barry's home and I can feel my impatience to GET ON WITH IT meeting his ambition to do nothing for a while longer. I will write at the end of the day and log what we did manage to accomplish, not fret about what we might not do. Angels.

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23 July

Another Day

It's Sunday morning. Barry will be back late tonight and my week of thoughtful exploration will come to an end. Cherry and I have done well together. Robin has been great and mornings were very peaceful. I'm thinking of trimming the hedge today. Possibly as a distraction from writing the copy for Cherry's website. I haven't even looked out some photos for it. BUT I have got the old videos to Loni for translation onto DVD!

I keep wondering if I should open this space up to more people, add 'friends to my friends list! I do have them!! Then I might get some comments. Maybe first I should actually get some photos on site and a selection of music. It can't be that difficult. Watching Robin nip around on his desktop makes it look so easy. Then there's Jo's MSN with all her winks and icons. I could do that, couldn't I? I am obviously swimming through my own layer of insecurity sewage. Just keep dodging the turds and I'll be through in no time. THEN watch me fly! (Some painfully mixed metaphors and cliches there).

I've started sending out pleas for cakes 'n' stuff for the launch. But I need to speed up. Less than two weeks to go. Next three days wil be crucial. Wonder if Mark has sent the data base yet? When Robin and Ellie stir I must remember to ask.

Both my email server (not messenge/hotmail) and my mobile messages have been up the creek this weekend. Emails not getting through, messages late. Just as I prepare to launch myself deeper into technology it retreats from me. Am I paranoid? Time for breakfast, hoovering and washing up. Is this domesticity, or am I in a deep avoidance state? Is there any difference? Discuss!!

Angelsxx

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21 July

Making Progress

Can't believe how quickly time flies this summer. I thought I would be able to add a little to this blog every day or so. Instead, it's nearly two weeks since I made the first entry. However! I have not been idle! Due to some persistant pushing, we now have a domain name and server for Cherry's website. When Barry gets back on Sunday we can all knuckle down to scanning photos, writing copy and designing pages. And Robin can make the website work. Then we have to produce an invite to be delivered, posted or emailed all around the world, inviting everyone to log on and sign up to the Circle of Support. Also, I have to organise food and drinks and I need to talk to someone in the know about Cherry's Circle getting charitable status so we can start applying for grants and doing some fundraising.

Vicky is visiting today and Helen next Tuesday. I'm not sure who else I can ask to help as Janinza is away, Charlotte is away, Sharon is away and Charis doesn't need the stress. Although I could ask her to bake a cake! Maybe Nykki too! I'm sure there will be people to help. Just trust.

I must phone David Grimley and I will need to speak to Laura Waters again soon. Leaflets must go to Hazel Court and think about where else. This is turning into a glorified list. I shall be so glad when it's all up and running. Then we should enter a whole new world of possibility!

Till the next time, Angels

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10 July

First blog

If anyone ever reads this, you will be reading the first steps I take into the scary world of blogging. The reason I am attempting this habit is to experience the space that now exists in the world 'online' for all of us with internet access. At the age of 51 I may be a latecomer to this world, but for my daughter's sake I aim to conquer my fears and find out what is usefull for her in this environment. I may not be cool, I may not be fashionable, I may not have the news that everyone wants to read, but this is where I intend to make contact with the world for myself and my beloved daughter. Born with a profound learning disability, she operates on a different level than most of us. Something in the way this place works reminded me of what I know about her. Maybe she was born to communicate here. As I get braver I will introduce her more. Then a discussion can take place between her and the world. Who knows what we will find. If you find us here, greet us gently with your thoughts. We will welcome them. Angelslake

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