Is This A New Record?

Hello! It has been 19 months since my last post and certainly I have done some writing elsewhere, but nothing regular and nothing to add to my writing Blog posts. I am such a failure!! My Dad died this month, on February 2nd, and the funeral was on the 16th, last Tuesday, and I am only just beginning to process it. I have had a Dad for nearly 61 years and it is very hard to realise that he is gone. Not helped by the fact that the past two years were desperately difficult to navigate as he was gone in some very profound ways, but still 'here' in some very actual ways. I am currently debating whether to delete my cache on this computer in order to speed up Safari, but it would leave me having to remember all my passwords and usernames. If I can make a list to help me do it I may risk it, but almost as soon as I started checking things out, I came across this blog and got sidetracked. I don't know if I am ready to lose any more just yet, so maybe I won't pursue it any further today.
Usually, at this point, I say, "well at least I've written something!" But I'm not sure if what I have written really qualifies as a something. For now I am abandoning any attempt to look sorted, even though I have said I will start picking up threads tomorrow. Maybe one part of me will do that  whilst another part of me sits on the shore and weeps into the sea.

Only Nine Months

Because I wanted to stop the rot I am posting today. This time I only waited for nine months, instead of eighteen. But I am not proud. I tried to do a NaNoWriMo last November and ran onto the rocks of lost copy. Since then my family has been in turmoil and I find myself here in July wondering how that happened!! Maybe I need to blog about that.

It's over a year!

Exactly 1 year 6 months. Since I last wrote here. The gaps are getting bigger. Not sure what to do. Am writing about it.... sort of. 

Not so much, 'Writer's Block', but more 'Writer's Disappearance'. Should have reported it much sooner. Can't explain why I didn't. I'm a mess!!!

Storm is coming. Wonder how long before I write again. 

It May Be I Missed The Past Few Months

Sometimes I spend long periods not being ready to write. It is such a pathological state that years may pass without me realising that I have been holding my breath (metaphorically speaking) about writing. Then I open a long abandoned blog and the truth hits home. The accumulation of days when I avoided committing words to page have grown into something that scares me and sets me to wondering what on earth has been stopping me? Even writing badly is worth more than not writing at all for such a long spell. So tonight I am breaking the spell and what I write is not anywhere near as important as that I have written!

The Midnight Hour

Stupid time of night to start writing a blog! Cherry is calling and may have a wet pad, so being awake is OK, but actually having the mind for words is quite unlikely. So I leave this as a draft beginning for a later attempt.
Later... as in the following night!
Funnily enough, we have just changed a wet bed again, meaning that I left this post to change Cherry's bed, then returned 24 hours later after doing the exact same thing! Sometimes the patterns of life are so spooky... or is it that we do something like this every night and I have had my attention grabbed by consciously including it in the blog? In terms of care and support, it is often difficult to stay conscious of the repetitive tasks that measure the days of caring for someone with a disability. It is a defence against the desire to run that causes us to numb out and 'get on with the job'. I remember this starting to happen very early on when the nightmare was just beginning. After a while, we got so good at it that we hardly noticed how completely the caring tasks usurped our lives. It was necessary to allow an outside perspective to call our attention back to the moment and a realisation of what was happening. But it isn't really about us, is it? It's more about Cherry and her life. And valuing the moments in our own lives is the way we stay awake to the process of Cherry's life and keep it whole and treasured... respected and enjoyed... not just a series of tasks we 'have to do'. It is a gift to be aware of the person in the life you serve. It offers a deep validity to all you are and calls for the best you can be. 

Nice Day... Let's Write

Much loud 'discussion' in the Lane household today! The good news is that the silence after didn't last too long and some less heated chat followed, which means we are both growing up a bit! The start of a year often feels like pressure cooker, trying to get 'everything' done as quickly as possible. Yesterday I realised that is NOT what we want to be doing for this year and there is no getting away from the fact that a slow cooker is much more what we need! I have no idea why I am using cooking metaphors, I rarely do any cooking these days and I like it that way, but somehow the things I am thinking about are conveyed most naturally within the nurturing, life-supporting actions surrounding the preparation of meals!
Our mantra during this early part of January has become 'One Job' and I am using it as a meditation aid to bring me back to the slower, simpler approaches that keep me calm and focussed and stop the panicking! I gave myself a nasty shock the other day when I started telling Robin that he too could write a novel this year and he would just have to commit to 500 words a day so that when he did find a space opening up for writing more, there would already be much to work with! I am now quite cross with myself for making it sound so easy and leaving me with no excuses. 
My 'One Job' this year is connected to that advice. It sits inside the writing activity and needs me to face the 500 words a day approach and trust that more will come when possible. I do not have to change the world, especially not all at once; I do not have to be responsible for anyone else's 500 words and I have never been dependent on anyone's permission except my own. 
Permission Granted. Write on! 

The Time Of Day

It is now after 6.00pm - in fact, nearly 7.00pm - and I am struck by the habit of closing down associated with this time of day for me. I didn't used to have this association. At one time in my life, when I thought I was actually how and who I was always going to be, this time of day would be fiercely opening up; taking advantage of the departing 'others' who would be getting out of the way; leaving space for the creativity and work that made most sense to me; coming alive in rehearsals and performances.
Alarmingly, I got no further with this post until today (two days later) and it is now a completely different time of day so nothing I was feeling then, applies!
However, I will publish this post anyway, but recognise that I need to make more effort to write complete blogs, and save the ramblings for Penzu. Scrambled Blog!!